Me ...

I so long never post anything on the blog already .. i really have no time to online at the moment .. today i will write something on the blog is just want to share something with you guys .. because this few days i do think alot for my future and sort of some stuff like that .. my brain just keep on turn and turn and turn .. i just couldn't stop thinking .. and i dont know why .. lol ..

I read a book last few days .. this book is about this man how to become so famous.. what he did in the past , how he feel .. and some stuff like that .. i felt very same like him .. bacause what did in the past is actually what i'm doing now ..

I actually and really don't want to swim anymore .. but because of my dad then i keep on swimming .. and you guys will ask ' why you don't want to swim anymore ? now you are so good and you got potential in swimming .. why you want to stop ?' blah blah blah.. haha .. this is what i ever heard for this 2 month times ..

Have you guys ever think before or ask yourself before why you are doing this ? for example like i have ever ask myself what i swimming for .. for my dad ? for being famous ? for money ? for knowing more friends ? for fun ? or just pretend doing something do that the time will run faster ? i will tell you surely is .. i dont know ... i dont know what i am swimming for .. i really dont know ..

The thing that make me go further , make me go faster in swimming is actually my family ... my family makes me go further .. my cousin that in my father side is actually damn proud of me .. they called my dad and my grandfather they caught me in the tv , they saw me in the newspaper .. and the eldest said .. ' our family have live in this world for so long .. now our family finally have someone can show other people that how proud our family is .. kah yan have make this family proud , kah yan have make our great grandparents or great great grandparents proud... '

Do .. do you actually know how good is that feel ?? i mean you make this whole family proud and they can go out and tell their friend that oh i have a very good grandchildren , she represents the country in swimming , she won alot of medal like this .. i very very happy that i can make this family feel proud you know ..

But ... i really feel tired , boring in swimming already ... everyday morning you go school then come back home do homework then rest a while then after that you straight away go for your training then after the training already straight away from the pool to tuition .. every night around 10 then you only can really sit or feel like you are really at home .. this is my life .. i know to someone maybe ou will feel that is a very easy life or a simple life .. but for me .. is a very tired life .. i know this is the life for a swimmer .. every swimmer does that or go throught this life before ... or .. or even someone have a even more tired and tough life then me .. but .. i have been like this for 12 years already .. is more then half of my age already ... is really really very enough ..

Maybe some of you guys think .. wa .. this girl why say until like herself is the only one having a very tough life only .. i'm not trying to show off or something .. i just want to share my emotion now .. if i keep this to myself .. i guess myself will get crazy someday .. lol ..

I dont like people tell me .. i am very dissapointed in you .. i really very scare people tell me this few words .. no matter you are my friend of my coach or my teacher or my family .. i will do everything and make everything perfect to just avoid someone tell me .. i feel very dissapointed in you ...

First time i heard this word from is my dad .. that time i was only dont know 7 or 8 years old .. i dont know to do what my mom say .. and i make my mom very angry .. then my mom go and tell my dad that what i have done .. i cant really remember what i did but i know i make my mom really angry .. then 1 night my dad come and talk to me and said i feel really very dissapointed in you .. after that night .. i dont dare to not listen to my mom anymore .. because i scare after he told me already he will never talk to me anymore ... he will just left me alone .. even untill now i also very scare people will say those word to me already and they will just left me alone and dont want to talk to me anymore and dont want to be friend with me anymore .. i very scare to be alone .. serious .. thats why i will always think should i talk those word out and i won't hurt anybody's feeling ..

The second time i heard is last year october when i'm in india .. i go there for commomwealth youth .. my coach said those word to me .. that time i really really sad and i cry so badly .. because i have already try so hard to swim good in my time but end up i still do a very bad timing in my 100 free i guess .. then when i go and see him that time .. he scold me then he said he dont want to see me anymore and ask me go away .. the thing that i always avoid in swimming is .. i dont let my own coach scold .. even i'm in national team now .. i will do what he told me to and the timing he wants me to do i also will or even i can do faster then that .. but when i in national team .. everything change .. not that i say national team not good .. is good too .. but is just me ..

In the 12 years .. first time i get scold from coach is coach Gavin .. in japan .. during japan open .. 2007 .. first time i get scold from my own coach is that time .. i did a very bad timing in my 100 free .. becuase i was too nervous .. so thats why i cant do well .. lol ..


Alright .. i dont think i should talk too much .. later you all think i so annoying .. haha .. anyway .. thanks to someone who read this .. because i was really looking for someone to talk .. and thanks for reading it ..